What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
