Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
