since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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