Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
