Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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