I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
