do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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