Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
