Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
