Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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