I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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