I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
