I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
