I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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