I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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