Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
