Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
