Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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