Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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