remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
