The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
