yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
