I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
