I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you inspire me to be a worse person
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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