my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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