Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
