The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
