He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
