i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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