I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize