The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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