lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
pray to the hookup gods
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
