Tell her she can't have a vagina
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
