pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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