Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
