handjob tips. give me some.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
