If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Randomize
