I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
