My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
