i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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