Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
