i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize