i was rollin on her like bob the builder
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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