areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
