Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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