There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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