If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
