I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
