You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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