I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
