I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
