AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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