Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
