So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
