People in love make me want to vomit
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The air taste purple.
Randomize
