I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize