a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
