i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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