Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
