Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
