Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
