guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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